yokatta

Before posting my New Year resolutions draft post, I just want to say that this year has been one hell of a ride. It was freaking emotional, I thought I was going to die. Kidding. But there were times that I was just drop-dead confused and lost that I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

This has been the year where I felt so helpless and restless to the point that I cried almost every single day. And what's even more alarming, most of the time I wasn't even sure why. This year has also been a self-realization one too. (does that make sense?) I learned a lot about myself and have a clearer vision of what I am and what I want with my life. (Okay, does this sound essay-ish? But it's true!)

I'm glad that I've gotten used to being alone. I like it; actually. I'm not a loner, I'm just comfortable being by myself, that's all. I can just be what I really am without any pretenses or have any obligatory feeling to conform. I guess I felt so awkward when I was alone before because I was so used to adapting to someone else's behavior. But it's not like I pretended to be someone else when I was with someone - I just had this urge to please that someone. Now, I am comfortable with myself - to the very bone. (Well, most of the time)

This has been my toughest year to date. And I'm glad that I was able to survive it. There are more challenges to come, and I'm more confident now to face them. I'm starting to say goodbye to my childish ways and saying hello to something else. I guess it would be for the better.

I'm saying goodbye to my weak self; the one who always complains and quickly gives up at the sight of a problem. I'm saying goodbye to the little girl who pesters others for her needs. I'm saying goodbye to the low-confidence teenager who stoops down just to level with others.

I'm sick and tired of being a child. It's weird saying this after willingly acting like one. Whining and depending on others - it's sickening. Also, liking cute stuff and being all perky most of the time. (But I guess that's positive) I won't be saying goodbye to all of it. It's healthy to be childlike in some ways. I guess, I'll be toning myself down a little and just be more serious and determined this time.

Happy New Year everyone!

Gambatte ne!