It's been a long time since I last blogged...and I just felt the urgency to update just a little bit..

This week has been relatively light. Most of the papers I've done last week anyway. Only the Fil paper's on the way but I already wrote down the outline.

Math LT last Tuesday. I was able to answer all of the questions but I'm not really sure of my answers. I do hope they're right, that's 6 effin' units mehn.

Last Friday was Miranda's despidida! I picked her up at her house because her Kuya was rushed to the hospital so nobody could bring her to my house. So...if Miranda couldn't come, there was no sense throwing a party for her, right? Hehe. Anyhoo, I watched her play the piano while waiting for her. Oh gosh, it's been the longest time since I watched somebody play classical pieces on the piano. I dunno, this may sound weird, but I get lost whenever I watch (and hear of course) somebody perform on the piano. There's just something about it that makes you nostalgic and feel exhilarating at the same time.


We were just seven at that time, but that's okay. Iyon lang naman iyong mg close talaga and a few missing people. Now I've learned something about "organizing" events. Never ever invite people who aren't that close to the "celebrant". They just waste your time and load! I must have texted msgs worth 10 pesos for each person! Haha. And they don't even bother replying or at least acknowledge your invite.

Josel's surprise partaaay last Saturday naman. Her reaction was my exact guess. Parang "WAAA di ko alam gagawin ko. huhuhuhu" Yeah, you can say I know you pretty well. Landi mo hahaha. It was fun. Kamayan sa banana leaves. At hindi banana plate ah. Banana leaf table. :D The food was so good! Good job Tita Relly! Hahaha. We especially love the qwek qwek. It's an inside joke. Arra actually thought that the puto was qwek qwek. It had a kutsinta color and had big chunks of cheese so we can't really blame her. But shucks, it was so soo good!

Imagine hand-picking your sushi and wasabi? It's even tastier that way! Haha!

And oh, sorry for the video Josel. WINDOWS movie maker is such a sucker. I made that video for 5 freaking hours because movie maker kept on crashing! Panay errors! And it hanged like there was no tomorrow! It's really unreliable, so I suggest that you download some other movie maker program. Magmamakaawa ka pang ma retrieve iyong ginawa mo after it shuts down by itself. I HATE IT! HAHAHA. Kaya tuloy, mali-mali iyong timing ng subtitles!

I'll post the pics of both events soon. Still kinda busy, e. Hehe.

I'm off to school!

go dell

I hate it when people ask if I'm okay or not and pretend like they actually care. After like monologuing for minutes, I'd just get this empty "ahhh". As if a cyber hug equates to the real thing. It's a sweet gesture, but how do I know if your being sincere or just typed in ">:D<" just to say something? Why even bother asking? You didn't even gave me any advice or said anything to put some sense into my already chaotic mind.

After a few blunt responses I get, it just boils down into nothingness. Like he's not even listening. Like he just asked how I was just so he would appear like the "good guy" in the picture. He doesn't listen to me anymore. He has his own world going on. I let him share all his stories, problems, acad-wise or even his love life. I always listen and try my best to give enthusiastic says on anything. It's like everything's one-sided now. He just doesn't care. Anymore.

I just wished I could say the same thing too. That I couldn't care less...but I can't.

Just stay away from me. Why even let me think that you even care? Go bury yourself in ash.

Just yesterday I was just so mad at myself for being so confused and inefficient. I cried every minute of the day, even when there were people around, trying my best not to be noticed. My only rest period was when I slept. But still, I'd wake up and know that I still cried myself to sleep and that my then-dry pillowcase was still full of dried tears.

I was scared. Terrified even. I just couldn't handle all the crossroad decisions and all the pressure.

----------------------------------------------------

They finally know.

Just when I thought that nobody could really bare all my whining and dazed ponderings, my parents came to the rescue. Of all the people, they were the most understanding. I actually thought that they would just say OK or whatever, but no. They talked to me for about an hour and my Dad gave me the warmest hug ever. I dunno, but tonight was really weird. I had this special connection with them - they really understood what I was going through. Oh well, there's no turning back now. I'm starting a new leaf tomorrow, and I'm about to pee in my shorts. I'm scared to death. But this is something I have to go through - in one way or another, it'll make me stronger.


-july08-

PWEDE BANG BREAK MUNA?

It's just weird when everything seems so perfect and happy and then before you know it, it's over. I usually secretly dread super happy moments sometimes because I know that anything after that it's going to be downhill. Call me a pessimist, but I just worry about everything. I sweat all the small stuff and well...there.

It's like sometimes I just want my life to end. I haven't done any suicidal attempts and I don't have the slightest plan to but sometimes...there's just something in me wishing that I could be someone more. Someone more worthy of living. Someone worthy of adding 1 to the already very populated Philippines and actually someone worth it for the sake of adding carbon dioxide into the polluted air. Someone who could make up for stuff and actually be someone.

Am I emo? Hmm, emo doesn't exactly fit my image in the first place. Just yesterday, I wore this black top with red hearts all over it and a bunny skull with white skinny jeans and chucks. I even had this brown bAg full of silver skulls. EWW much. :)) I don't even know why I even wore that. It's so not me. I usually don't wear black coz it's hot and it's just so ummm...dark. Ask anyone I know and they'll tell you that I usually wear polka dot blouses and anything sunshine-y. Well I don't know with my mom. I think she had the impression that I liked skulls or anything morbid. I think she told me it just happened that the vintage shop that they went to in Canada had all these skulls printed in 'em.


Anyhoo, I just don't know what to do anymore. There are more down days to me now. I was usually this perky kiddo about 2 years ago. But I don't know, I just find fewer reasons to be all perked up and happy right now. I'm still this springy kid sometimes though. But that aint in full throttle anymore. Haha. THE TERM. :)) I'm just not happy anymore. I still smile a lot but most of the time those are just hollow ones. I still laugh but I don't get that SHIT-NAUUTOT-NA-AKO-AT-DI-KO-NA-ALAM-KUNG-BAKIT-AKO-TUMATAWA anymore.

I just want to shrivel up and rest. I think I'm just tired and sad because everyone's not beside me anymore. It's not that they're not there anymore. They're just farther to reach.

And Miranda, I'm seriously gonna miss you. It's funny to say this but I don't think I can handle being away from you for a long time. It's also funny that you find me very optimistic and childlike coz I always thought that it was YOUR role and not mine. I never thought I was an optimist. I just get excited over little things but I always thought you were really the kid at heart. I bring that out in you? Hmm, that's weird. I have that same connotation of you. I guess we just bring out the superbness of each other we're together. :)

It also doesn't help that I'm effing sick right now. My head's like being screwed.


I'm just so messed up right now. I think I'm slipping in my acads and my health's just not permitting me to catch up.

-july08-

drainage

I really don't feel like writing right now, but what the heck. It's been quite a while since I last blogged anyway. It's kinda weird though. I used to be so obsessed about updating this humble cyber space of mine before.

Anyhoo, I'm really having a hard time right now. UGH. Eff Accounting. Last night was the first departmental test and I just know that I sucked BIG time. The aircon wasn't also helping! You could see my hair being blown by the stupid aircon! And I was like that for 3 hours! I was practically trembling half the time! It was like my brain got frozen and I couldn't think right anymore. Oh shizzzz. I'm super going to have my dad tutor me every single week! I even kinda felt bad since my Dad tried so hard to teach me the night before, sayang naman efforts niya. All I could muster as an answer to him when he asked me how the test went was a very shaky "bad".

Oh well, at least my first LT in Math is doing a lot better. I got a B! It's no A, but hey, I was expecting something lower because of Melton! I'm super glad that I had my load revised. Who cares if Melton gives easy peasy tests when I can really avail of the benefit of actually learning the subject and how things became that way.

And oh, note to self. I really hate caffeine. I'll only take caffeine again when I'm really really desperate. I just can't handle all the palpitations and anxiety attacks! I like the taste of coffee, but I just don't like the low-sugar feeling after getting that sudden adrenaline hike.

Oh well, I havta go. Off to work!

-july08-

conquest

It's just so difficult now, when all of you kids; pretending to be adults enter this huge campus dubbed The Best of the Best. You have to always keep your cool, make 'em think that you're not actually having a hard time, and not show to anyone that you're actually so naive and vulnerable.

It's just weird. Haha. And it's also weird when I think about something serious then give out a chuckle as if it was something comical to begin with.

I've never felt so frustrated in my entire life. I cry almost everyday and even cry myself to sleep. The tears just come out even though I don't feel like crying anymore. I can't help blaming myself for all the lost time and sheer stupidity.

Maybe this is just something everybody has to put up with when it comes to life. Sometimes, you just really have to scold yourself and cry buckets just to release all what's inside.

But it just doesn't feel right anymore. I told myself I won't "quit" a million times before, but how come it still doesn't feel right? I guess this is the stage wherein I'm just downright confused and have no idea what to do next.

But I've decided. I'm not going to quit. I'm going to finish this and then start a new beginning. For a year, I've been fooling myself into forcing myself into something I secretly despise. The only reason why I ventured into it is because I thought it was just common sense to do so - it's supposed to run in my veins.

But it just doesn't okay? I've really tried to convince myself that it does, but it just doesn't.

Only few people know about this, and I plan to let it stay that way. For now. I just don't think other people would understand right now. They might also make me feel bad if I tell them earlier than necessary. No matter, you'll all know soon.

It really is frightening - diving into something that you know will make you come down with the chills. Away from your comfort zone and away from what you were accustomed to. But I'm going to anyway. For I know that in the long run, it'll be worth it. Besides, I'm doing this for me - for my self-development, and not to please others or stay where people I know reside.

The frustration has mellowed down a bit. At least now, I know what I want already and aiming for it. I am no longer the little kid who just goes with the flow and chants "bahala na" in her mind whenever a challenging situation comes her way.

I am taking control.

Despite all the early stage mishaps of being an amateur "driver", that's okay. In one way or another, I know I'll make it. Alive, mind you.

Thank you for all my friends who have given me the strength to pursue this. More or less, I feel more "safe" and guided. All of you told me that you were proud of me, thank you for all that. It's quite liberating that you're going to support me in a way. Thank you, my loves. :) I always know that I can count on you.

Anyway, I'm off to study loads. Or am i just exagerrating again? Oh poo, I'm off to study a pile then.

-jun08-

Loadrev

Yay! I'm finally delisted from Melton's class! My new teacher seems ok, she really teaches and even let us borrow her past lecture acetates. I've even sacrificed being with my block in acctg just for Calculus! But at least I transferred to a class with the same teacher, Valix. He's really nice and he teaches well. I do hope that he prepares us well for the Departmental tests, though.

After all that running around Ateneo for 2 days, it seems worth it naman. But now, I wished that I included my Fil14 in my loadrev form! He gives horrible grades daw! Waa :( Oh well, but he seems nice naman e.

I'm currently procastinating right now even though I have so much to do! I'll just hear mass then it's off to work for me! Wish me luck! I do hope I won't crack (again)!

-jun08-