conquest

It's just so difficult now, when all of you kids; pretending to be adults enter this huge campus dubbed The Best of the Best. You have to always keep your cool, make 'em think that you're not actually having a hard time, and not show to anyone that you're actually so naive and vulnerable.

It's just weird. Haha. And it's also weird when I think about something serious then give out a chuckle as if it was something comical to begin with.

I've never felt so frustrated in my entire life. I cry almost everyday and even cry myself to sleep. The tears just come out even though I don't feel like crying anymore. I can't help blaming myself for all the lost time and sheer stupidity.

Maybe this is just something everybody has to put up with when it comes to life. Sometimes, you just really have to scold yourself and cry buckets just to release all what's inside.

But it just doesn't feel right anymore. I told myself I won't "quit" a million times before, but how come it still doesn't feel right? I guess this is the stage wherein I'm just downright confused and have no idea what to do next.

But I've decided. I'm not going to quit. I'm going to finish this and then start a new beginning. For a year, I've been fooling myself into forcing myself into something I secretly despise. The only reason why I ventured into it is because I thought it was just common sense to do so - it's supposed to run in my veins.

But it just doesn't okay? I've really tried to convince myself that it does, but it just doesn't.

Only few people know about this, and I plan to let it stay that way. For now. I just don't think other people would understand right now. They might also make me feel bad if I tell them earlier than necessary. No matter, you'll all know soon.

It really is frightening - diving into something that you know will make you come down with the chills. Away from your comfort zone and away from what you were accustomed to. But I'm going to anyway. For I know that in the long run, it'll be worth it. Besides, I'm doing this for me - for my self-development, and not to please others or stay where people I know reside.

The frustration has mellowed down a bit. At least now, I know what I want already and aiming for it. I am no longer the little kid who just goes with the flow and chants "bahala na" in her mind whenever a challenging situation comes her way.

I am taking control.

Despite all the early stage mishaps of being an amateur "driver", that's okay. In one way or another, I know I'll make it. Alive, mind you.

Thank you for all my friends who have given me the strength to pursue this. More or less, I feel more "safe" and guided. All of you told me that you were proud of me, thank you for all that. It's quite liberating that you're going to support me in a way. Thank you, my loves. :) I always know that I can count on you.

Anyway, I'm off to study loads. Or am i just exagerrating again? Oh poo, I'm off to study a pile then.

-jun08-