I'm at the lib right now. Alone. Again. Hehehe but it's okay, I'm just waiting for Makis. :)

Oh gosh, Miranda's leaving tomorrow and I just don't know what to do. :S I've cried myself to sleep for the past weeks and I just don't know what'll happen once she actually leaves tomorrow. We have an LS field trip tomorrow going to Subic Metropolitian Area so I have to wake up really early tomorrow pa. :( I bet my blockmates would notice that my eyebags are actually reaching my chin?! HAHAHA. I dunno, I'll just have to wait and see. Makis and I will be attending the Tarong talk later too, before going to Miranda's house. I want to attend it just to see if my answers for the paper actually make sense. :P

And oh...I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who's experiencing this feeling of emptiness. Wooh! But he's not my blockmate, just kinda an acquiantance. But I'm just so glad that I'm not the only one! Like, we're feeling this red-light warning that there's more to life than what's here right now. And in Psych, I forgot what the term's called but it's a stage wherein you make life-decisons and ponder if your really living the life that you want. And what's the purpose of everything? Is it just there for the sake that SM can put a price tag on it? Or is it there just because it is? Is it there because God said so?

I really don't know..but I guess it's just reassuring to know that all these frustrations are actually normal. Pero bakit ganoon, halos wala naman sa mga kilala ko ganoon? Well maybe they have yet to experience it or will never experience it? Hmm...bahala na. I'm not complaining. I'm actually quite thankful that I get to experience these kind of things. It makes me smarter and stronger. Hehe drama, much?

Eww. I just discovered some disturbing news from some of my blockmates. Just ask me in ym what it is! Nyahaha.

And most of my blockmates know that I'm actually shifting. :)) Yeah, that was the "thing" I was talking about weeks back. Baka naman you thought that I was pregnant ah! :))

And I just want to explain myself. I'm not shifting to Psych solely because I'm having a hard time in Management. To tell you the truth, I never liked Management. I just chose it because I thought that it was just common to do so. I mean come on, my immediate family is mainly composed of bankers. So there. I thought that I'll eventually like it anyway. But I just don't okay? Business concepts lull me to sleep and I just can't digest the fact that I'll actually have a job that's quite stiff and "bland". I secretly cried when my ate let me wear her office attire for my ITM defense. My parents were like" wow! Ganyan na ganyan ka after grad!" Parang...ugh. It's like you really have to conform to everything. Do exactly this and exactly that and I'll say exactly this. I don't want that. You may have different opinions about Mgt, but I do have this. And I'm kinda irritated by some people who think Psych is easy. Na medyo walang kwenta siya. Excuse me? Almost everything revolves how we interact with each other and how we should deal with things in a certain matter anyway. And besides, I'll be considered as a researcher, and it also qualifies for pre-med and pre-law. I can also go into business, you know. And please, it does have a QPI requirement to get in. Evn higher that what;s required for ME, I think. I work so hard in shifting, you just have no idea how much people I had to talk to, how much nervousness I had to deal with, how much files needs to be asked for and submitted, how much gut that actually made me push through with all of this. I hope that you respect that and learn to appreciate that I'm doing this for me and not for being "in the flow" of things. It's not like I'm giving up. I'm actually making pro-acive actions.

Anyhoo, Makis is standing behind me right now. And medyo nakakaconscious na. Kaya till her na lang! Hehehe. We'll eat na! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP! :D

Maybe I'm just trying too hard

Nikko just told me a while ago that he actually read my blog and said that I was emo. Then it hit me. I am kinda emo these days....which is rather weird. I'm generally a perky person, ask anyone I know in high school. I dunno. I guess my energy's just sucked out. And I don't think it's solely because of school. It's because of everything in this wretched life I'm leading. HAHA JOKING ON THAT LAST LINE :))

I don't know...I bet my college peers would label me as someone deadma and sometimes cranky. But some of them still consider me as perky. Pero...parang wala ng depth ang lahat-lahat. I'm just living because I'm breathing. And not the other way way around.

I don't wanna be labeled as emo. I hope this is just a phase coz I myself am disgusted at the though of me being emo. Just think of me as someone who amateurly philosophizes about things happening to herself. Hindi naman ako nagsusuot ng black at nasposport ng black eyeliner.

lonermania

I've been siting in the library for about 2 hours now. And woot! I'm alone. Again. Haha. Just like old times. Yeah, oo na. I have my loner tendencies. But sometimes I like being alone. Nobody to please. Nobody to piss you off.

Pero naiinis na ako ngayon. Kanina pa ako naghihintay dito at ayaw pa gumana wifi ko sa laptop. Naiinis pa ako kasi ang sci10 orals na iyan sa Tuesday na. And I'm still not sure what I'm going to talk about. I wouldn't want to join the overflowing bandwagon of people who'll talk about computers and cellphones. I might pick DSLRS as my topic. But helloooooooo I might just get dumbfounded if I get bombarded by questions at the end of my speech. Hindi naman ako super knowledgeable sa DSLRS. Heck, I'm not even an expert in handling my own DSLR. WAHAHA. Ang skwater talaga.

Hay. It's really cold in the library. Too cold to even feel your own fingers. I kinda miss staying at the library though. I used to stay here everyday to study while waiting for my 4 hr break to finish...now my breaks are scarce so I only reserve them for eating meals.

I don't know. I'm really irritable right now. It's like there's this really really big gap between us. Wala na talagang pakialamanan. Ganun ba talaga pag tumatanda na? More on being civil and stiff na lang? Sorry na, pero medyo mga walang kwenta mga taong to. Hindi naman ako nageexpect ng malaki e. Kahit kaunting warmth o sense of security man lang ioffer nila. Pero wala. Walang kwenta. Pero salamat. Dahil sa inyo naiiexperience ko na ang real world. And churva a. Ang plastic pa ng dating. Pasabi-sabi pa ng mga ganyan di naman pinapakita. More on competition lang kasi ang lahat. Ganyan na lang ba talaga tayo? Naiinis na talaga ako. Pero alam ko naman na hindi tayo magiging "ganun" e. Naiinis lang ako kung bakit napadpad din kayo sa lugar kung saan ako napunta. Sobrang iba naman tayo sa isa't isa.

Okay. Okay.

Update naman sa bago kong crush! (naks nag tagalog na talaga ako e noh. mas masarap mag tagalog pa inis e) Haha. Ang dami naring may alam sa block. Sabi nila sobrang liit at totoy daw. Mukha daw gradeschool. Sabi naman ni Raffy iyon nga iyong tipo ko. Parang may pulbos pa at lampin sa likod. Haha. Naiinis ako dahil ang daming nakakakita sa kanya. Sa lib. Sa covcourts. Sa Faura. Sa dorm. Sa KFC. Sa caf. Bakit ako di ko siya nakikita? May isang araw nga alam ko kung saan siya the whole day. Una, cov courts. Tapos siyempre fil class. Tapos lib. Tapos KFC. Tapos dorm na ulit. Hahaha. Hindi ko siya sinunsundan a. Bigla na lang ako tinetext ng mga tao kung saan siya, kahit di ko naman tinatanong. Naiinis lang ako. BAKIT AKO DI KO SIYA NAKIKITA :( Pero yay! Good news! At naconfirm na ng blockmate ko na mas matangkad daw crush ko kaysa sa akin. Yay! Wahaha. And wala daw girlfriend. Wahahaha. Thank you ECE people for the info. nyahaha.

Hmm. Ang tagal naman ng oras. At wala na akong magawang matino. Sana dinala ko na lang notebooks ko. O kaya umuwi na lang ako kung alam ko lang na 4 pala kami aalis. Kala ko naman kasi 3. Hayayay.


Ang konti naman ng tao sa lib pag Sabado. Sana man lang pumunta crush ko dito para mainspire ako kahit konti.

[edit]

5 oras pala ako naghintay. Ang loner ng araw na ito. Kumain ako ng lung sa caf mag-isa. Naghintay sa lib ng 4 na oras. Pumunta ng Som mall tapos kala ko may kasama na ako. Pero naghintay pa ako ng isa pang oras. Wooh!

It's been a long time since I last blogged...and I just felt the urgency to update just a little bit..

This week has been relatively light. Most of the papers I've done last week anyway. Only the Fil paper's on the way but I already wrote down the outline.

Math LT last Tuesday. I was able to answer all of the questions but I'm not really sure of my answers. I do hope they're right, that's 6 effin' units mehn.

Last Friday was Miranda's despidida! I picked her up at her house because her Kuya was rushed to the hospital so nobody could bring her to my house. So...if Miranda couldn't come, there was no sense throwing a party for her, right? Hehe. Anyhoo, I watched her play the piano while waiting for her. Oh gosh, it's been the longest time since I watched somebody play classical pieces on the piano. I dunno, this may sound weird, but I get lost whenever I watch (and hear of course) somebody perform on the piano. There's just something about it that makes you nostalgic and feel exhilarating at the same time.


We were just seven at that time, but that's okay. Iyon lang naman iyong mg close talaga and a few missing people. Now I've learned something about "organizing" events. Never ever invite people who aren't that close to the "celebrant". They just waste your time and load! I must have texted msgs worth 10 pesos for each person! Haha. And they don't even bother replying or at least acknowledge your invite.

Josel's surprise partaaay last Saturday naman. Her reaction was my exact guess. Parang "WAAA di ko alam gagawin ko. huhuhuhu" Yeah, you can say I know you pretty well. Landi mo hahaha. It was fun. Kamayan sa banana leaves. At hindi banana plate ah. Banana leaf table. :D The food was so good! Good job Tita Relly! Hahaha. We especially love the qwek qwek. It's an inside joke. Arra actually thought that the puto was qwek qwek. It had a kutsinta color and had big chunks of cheese so we can't really blame her. But shucks, it was so soo good!

Imagine hand-picking your sushi and wasabi? It's even tastier that way! Haha!

And oh, sorry for the video Josel. WINDOWS movie maker is such a sucker. I made that video for 5 freaking hours because movie maker kept on crashing! Panay errors! And it hanged like there was no tomorrow! It's really unreliable, so I suggest that you download some other movie maker program. Magmamakaawa ka pang ma retrieve iyong ginawa mo after it shuts down by itself. I HATE IT! HAHAHA. Kaya tuloy, mali-mali iyong timing ng subtitles!

I'll post the pics of both events soon. Still kinda busy, e. Hehe.

I'm off to school!

go dell

I hate it when people ask if I'm okay or not and pretend like they actually care. After like monologuing for minutes, I'd just get this empty "ahhh". As if a cyber hug equates to the real thing. It's a sweet gesture, but how do I know if your being sincere or just typed in ">:D<" just to say something? Why even bother asking? You didn't even gave me any advice or said anything to put some sense into my already chaotic mind.

After a few blunt responses I get, it just boils down into nothingness. Like he's not even listening. Like he just asked how I was just so he would appear like the "good guy" in the picture. He doesn't listen to me anymore. He has his own world going on. I let him share all his stories, problems, acad-wise or even his love life. I always listen and try my best to give enthusiastic says on anything. It's like everything's one-sided now. He just doesn't care. Anymore.

I just wished I could say the same thing too. That I couldn't care less...but I can't.

Just stay away from me. Why even let me think that you even care? Go bury yourself in ash.

Just yesterday I was just so mad at myself for being so confused and inefficient. I cried every minute of the day, even when there were people around, trying my best not to be noticed. My only rest period was when I slept. But still, I'd wake up and know that I still cried myself to sleep and that my then-dry pillowcase was still full of dried tears.

I was scared. Terrified even. I just couldn't handle all the crossroad decisions and all the pressure.

----------------------------------------------------

They finally know.

Just when I thought that nobody could really bare all my whining and dazed ponderings, my parents came to the rescue. Of all the people, they were the most understanding. I actually thought that they would just say OK or whatever, but no. They talked to me for about an hour and my Dad gave me the warmest hug ever. I dunno, but tonight was really weird. I had this special connection with them - they really understood what I was going through. Oh well, there's no turning back now. I'm starting a new leaf tomorrow, and I'm about to pee in my shorts. I'm scared to death. But this is something I have to go through - in one way or another, it'll make me stronger.


-july08-

PWEDE BANG BREAK MUNA?

It's just weird when everything seems so perfect and happy and then before you know it, it's over. I usually secretly dread super happy moments sometimes because I know that anything after that it's going to be downhill. Call me a pessimist, but I just worry about everything. I sweat all the small stuff and well...there.

It's like sometimes I just want my life to end. I haven't done any suicidal attempts and I don't have the slightest plan to but sometimes...there's just something in me wishing that I could be someone more. Someone more worthy of living. Someone worthy of adding 1 to the already very populated Philippines and actually someone worth it for the sake of adding carbon dioxide into the polluted air. Someone who could make up for stuff and actually be someone.

Am I emo? Hmm, emo doesn't exactly fit my image in the first place. Just yesterday, I wore this black top with red hearts all over it and a bunny skull with white skinny jeans and chucks. I even had this brown bAg full of silver skulls. EWW much. :)) I don't even know why I even wore that. It's so not me. I usually don't wear black coz it's hot and it's just so ummm...dark. Ask anyone I know and they'll tell you that I usually wear polka dot blouses and anything sunshine-y. Well I don't know with my mom. I think she had the impression that I liked skulls or anything morbid. I think she told me it just happened that the vintage shop that they went to in Canada had all these skulls printed in 'em.


Anyhoo, I just don't know what to do anymore. There are more down days to me now. I was usually this perky kiddo about 2 years ago. But I don't know, I just find fewer reasons to be all perked up and happy right now. I'm still this springy kid sometimes though. But that aint in full throttle anymore. Haha. THE TERM. :)) I'm just not happy anymore. I still smile a lot but most of the time those are just hollow ones. I still laugh but I don't get that SHIT-NAUUTOT-NA-AKO-AT-DI-KO-NA-ALAM-KUNG-BAKIT-AKO-TUMATAWA anymore.

I just want to shrivel up and rest. I think I'm just tired and sad because everyone's not beside me anymore. It's not that they're not there anymore. They're just farther to reach.

And Miranda, I'm seriously gonna miss you. It's funny to say this but I don't think I can handle being away from you for a long time. It's also funny that you find me very optimistic and childlike coz I always thought that it was YOUR role and not mine. I never thought I was an optimist. I just get excited over little things but I always thought you were really the kid at heart. I bring that out in you? Hmm, that's weird. I have that same connotation of you. I guess we just bring out the superbness of each other we're together. :)

It also doesn't help that I'm effing sick right now. My head's like being screwed.


I'm just so messed up right now. I think I'm slipping in my acads and my health's just not permitting me to catch up.

-july08-

drainage

I really don't feel like writing right now, but what the heck. It's been quite a while since I last blogged anyway. It's kinda weird though. I used to be so obsessed about updating this humble cyber space of mine before.

Anyhoo, I'm really having a hard time right now. UGH. Eff Accounting. Last night was the first departmental test and I just know that I sucked BIG time. The aircon wasn't also helping! You could see my hair being blown by the stupid aircon! And I was like that for 3 hours! I was practically trembling half the time! It was like my brain got frozen and I couldn't think right anymore. Oh shizzzz. I'm super going to have my dad tutor me every single week! I even kinda felt bad since my Dad tried so hard to teach me the night before, sayang naman efforts niya. All I could muster as an answer to him when he asked me how the test went was a very shaky "bad".

Oh well, at least my first LT in Math is doing a lot better. I got a B! It's no A, but hey, I was expecting something lower because of Melton! I'm super glad that I had my load revised. Who cares if Melton gives easy peasy tests when I can really avail of the benefit of actually learning the subject and how things became that way.

And oh, note to self. I really hate caffeine. I'll only take caffeine again when I'm really really desperate. I just can't handle all the palpitations and anxiety attacks! I like the taste of coffee, but I just don't like the low-sugar feeling after getting that sudden adrenaline hike.

Oh well, I havta go. Off to work!

-july08-