new year resolutions

I just had an epiphany. It's just that that I realized that I’d be better off if I channel all my energy by keeping my future in mind. Funny and how bitter it may sound, why would I waste my time fantasizing and getting all giddy over all the great things a guy could do for me when I could do it all by myself? If I dream of having an Edward Cullen then I’ll just die with a pathetic and disappointed face. Why would I wait for someone to tell me how great I am, to assure me that I’m special - when I can do it by achieving so much more.. So much ;it’ll apparent that I’m better off without others. I guess I can say that I’ll be a neurotic. Just like what Horney said, I’ll be the type who’ll be Moving away from people. The kind who over achieves to prove that I’m better off and superior compared to others. ( well not all, I am human after all. Keeping in mind that there are so many great successful people out there will be that catalyst)

Having too much expectations from someone is futile. Expecting nothing is a lot better; if a person is nice to me then great. If not, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been through this countless of times, it’s common sense to get the hang of it.

Being all giddy won’t do me any good. It will just have some drawbacks and after-effects. Why should I let myself go through that when I could feel a more intense rush of adrenaline if I channel all my energy into achieving? Summa cum laude might not be far fetched if I really put my energy to it. No more time to be emotional and weak. No more time to interpret all the so called sweet and thoughtful gestures. So what?! I want consistency. I want sincerity. I want reliability.
Why should I waste my energy dwelling on their petty actions? Their lack of tenacity, their incompetence. Their disgusting ways. It's not my business. Why should I get all disappointed when they’re so LOW and useless next to my standards? (Okay now i sound really bitter hahaha) I will just have to meet my standards myself. By then, I’ll be truly happy. Truly independent and driven.

I shouldn’t be dragged down by such pigs; I know I am so much better without them. And after all THAT, I shall be looked upon – superior and admired. Somewhat like a stone. But not emotionless. I will be ecstatic and enjoy my life full of success and glamour. I'll be happy and content with the love from friends and family.

I’ll be smiling and looking down on those bastards who didn’t take notice. I’ll laugh and smirk at the sight of their meager jobs and battering wives. (okay hahaha BITTER much hahaha)

This has become my new year’s resolutions.
By next year I’ll be:
- Strong willed and independent. I’m all about woman empowerment and not relying on the guys to do the work or the sweet stuff to make me feel special.

- Continue having a low-carb diet.

- Avoid sweets. Or better yet, take them in moderation. No more pigging out. waaah cakes and chocolates T.T

- Have long term goals. Being on the dean’s list isn’t enough. Summa cum laude tops the finish line. ( before landing on a killer job)

- Be proficient in Japanese- ENJOY KANJI.

- Be extra studious. It will all pay off in the end.

- Never let anyone else influence me negatively. Who cares if they think I’m a nerd? I like being organized and ready.

- Learn to drive. So that I won’t rely on others to drive me around. Which means more freedom!

- Not think too much when about to sleep. I’m doing it right now..when there’s no stress so there shouldn’t be any problem.

- Be driven and drown myself in passion!

-Be more ma-PR in social gatherings. I'm not a kid anymore who has to be baby talked about innocent questions. I'm starting to attend formal occasions such so I should really learn how to be more sociable. I also need to know how to small talk and make the most out of it.

-Be a pescetarian. Bye bye to pork and meat. But I still love my chicken. mwahaha.

- Be ambitious. Now, can I really be ambitious just by saying it? Hai! HAhaha

And lastly, I do hope that I'll be able to stick up to all these.

Gambatte ne! Fight-o! Omedetou gozaimasu.

yokatta

Before posting my New Year resolutions draft post, I just want to say that this year has been one hell of a ride. It was freaking emotional, I thought I was going to die. Kidding. But there were times that I was just drop-dead confused and lost that I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

This has been the year where I felt so helpless and restless to the point that I cried almost every single day. And what's even more alarming, most of the time I wasn't even sure why. This year has also been a self-realization one too. (does that make sense?) I learned a lot about myself and have a clearer vision of what I am and what I want with my life. (Okay, does this sound essay-ish? But it's true!)

I'm glad that I've gotten used to being alone. I like it; actually. I'm not a loner, I'm just comfortable being by myself, that's all. I can just be what I really am without any pretenses or have any obligatory feeling to conform. I guess I felt so awkward when I was alone before because I was so used to adapting to someone else's behavior. But it's not like I pretended to be someone else when I was with someone - I just had this urge to please that someone. Now, I am comfortable with myself - to the very bone. (Well, most of the time)

This has been my toughest year to date. And I'm glad that I was able to survive it. There are more challenges to come, and I'm more confident now to face them. I'm starting to say goodbye to my childish ways and saying hello to something else. I guess it would be for the better.

I'm saying goodbye to my weak self; the one who always complains and quickly gives up at the sight of a problem. I'm saying goodbye to the little girl who pesters others for her needs. I'm saying goodbye to the low-confidence teenager who stoops down just to level with others.

I'm sick and tired of being a child. It's weird saying this after willingly acting like one. Whining and depending on others - it's sickening. Also, liking cute stuff and being all perky most of the time. (But I guess that's positive) I won't be saying goodbye to all of it. It's healthy to be childlike in some ways. I guess, I'll be toning myself down a little and just be more serious and determined this time.

Happy New Year everyone!

Gambatte ne!

Phew, after blogging my draft post, I was so relieved that I was able to get it all out. :) That's why my holidays look a lot brighter.

But I do miss a lot of people and a lot of stuff. I miss my high school friends. We barely see each other these days and there's this feeling that the spark isn't just there anymore. We should just get re-ignite it that's all.

And Miranda, you silly. I never mentioned this to you, But I always dream about you coming home. It always feel so real that when I wake up, I have to constantly remind myself otherwise. But that's alright that's okay, we love you just the same. :)

And to Josel, long time no see weirdo. It's weird that we didn't do our annual xmas shopping this year. But it's not too late. I always go to Divi on the 27th, where all the prices are down and there are few people. A tindera once told me that kinda sale usually starts form the 27th to the 31st. So gather all your pamasko and let's head over there pronto!

I havta go now. It's our traditional weenie roast in a blanket christmas eve dinner.

Ja! Meri kurisumasu!

Kampay!

It's a few hours before Christmas and I haven't taken a night shower yet. Eww haha. Okay, I think that was too much info.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you and your family will have a lovely one.

Inuman na! Hahaha

some boring stuff

When all else fails, I can always count on a really good book to keep my mind from being stagnant. I just love how I can just pretend to be in someone else's world and learn from their experiences. For a while, I can escape reality of my ordinary life. (Not like I hate my life. I love my life. There's just this oomph deficiency. Haha.) I just read Sophie Kinsella's newest book Remember me? awhile ago after buying it last night. Haha. It was my first time to read a chick-lit book. Pwede pala. The plot goes like this:

Lexi wakes up in a hospital bed after a car accident, thinking it's 2004 and she's a twenty-five-year old with crooked teeth and a disastrous love life. But, to her disbelief, she learns it's actually 2007 - she's twenty-eight, her teeth are straight, she's the boss of her department - and she's married! To a good-looking millionaire! How on earth did she land the dream life??! She can't believe her luck - especially when she sees her stunning new home. She's sure she'll have a fantastic marriage once she gets to know her husband again. He's drawn up a 'manual of our marriage', which should help. But as she learns more about her new self, chinks start to appear in the perfect life. All her old colleagues hate her. A rival is after her job. Then a dishevelled, sexy guy turns up...and lands a new bombshell. What happened to her? Will she ever remember? And what will happen if she does?

Nothing much has happened for the past weekend since the break started. Just went to Glorietta and Powerplant last Saturday to get my share of the Mango sale. 50% baby. And ooh lala! I have a new brown padded coat for next summer (Europe). And I just gotta love all those cover-ups that were less than a thousand. The sale was crazy; we even stayed up till closing time at around 10 pm just to get most of the sale.

While yesterday (Sunday), we went to Bonifacio High street with Lola (she's 94) for a stroll and she bought me new havaianas! I'm sorry. But the last time I got one was a year ago. I think. And I think I deserve a new pair after using mine for walking like a gazillion miles. And hello Topshop elephant and koala undies sale. Hahaha.

Ugh. Nothing really inspiring or worthwhile to blog about. Obviously.

High

It feels like I've been stripped off something essential. I feel so hollow and...lifeless.

I hardly get inspired anymore. I walk around with no fixed thought. I have no essence of the future. Or am I just not seeing it all?

When I reach a state where I'm like a rock...and walk like a zombie, who do I become? When all the naughty giggles, messy curls, colorful frocks, karaoke frenzies, nerdy discovery channel trivia pouring, and pessimistic/worry wart personality all seize, what am I like?

Everything seems like a daze.

Nah, it's just for a few days. :) Nothing too emo. I'll show 'em all.

It's just too much for one day. It's just that I accepted the fact that nothing like it will ever happen..and I was happy with it.

But now...anything's possible.

My ego hurts more than my heart, actually. Haha. I guess I really did like 'em.

It's been a while since I last felt this way. I almost forgot how it hurt. But no worries, this is nothing compared to the last one. :D

i kinda miss SOM culture

To be honest, this is driving me nuts! The "bahala na" atmosphere and the laidback attitude are giving me a heart attack. How ironic. I guess it's just so different from SOM culture where everyone is competing (well not really compete, compete. We just did our best. But you know, setting the curve in SOM subjects and getting that exemption during finals). Presentations are organized and planned out ahead of time and people can get so OC. I hate the overly OC part, but I think I love the competition part. I may feel stupid and at the bottom at times - but that gives me the extra push to do better. To stretch my limit. To dig holes under my eyes until baggages form. To take too much caffeine that my body can't handle. To cry and whine about Porter's diamond, debit, credit, and derivatives. And then work my way through it 'till I get it.


Psy subjects are amazing, don't get me wrong. They're actually the most interesting subjects that I took in my entire Ateneo life. BUT, the atmosphere is just driving me crazy. Well, maybe just some people.

No fixed goals. No care in the world. Living just for the sake of living. Stagnant. Narrow-minded.

I must. I must. Remain on my toes.

And Megan actually told me that I was such a worry wart. A nerdomaniac. A study robot. Hmm I'm NOT THAT SMART TO BEGIN WITH. You're only supposed to call 'em SOSE people that. Not me. Haha. I'd like to think that I'm not OC. Sheesh. I'm FAR FROM OC. :)) But I do want things to be organized, at the least. I can be laidback too. I can be lazy too. I AM LAZY.

But I do love always doing something.

How ironic, really. I so contradict myself in various ways.

guess i'm not gay

I should be studying right now but I'm procastinating.  I've pretty much lazed around during the long weekend.  

I had a perplexing dream last night.  Most of if was a nightmare, I could tell.  But the ending was so perfect.  I was having a nightmare when I quickly ran...and then before I knew it, I was in the arms of MY beloved Ed Westwick.  Hahaha.  And...and...and... :D <3

You'll forever be MY Edward Cullen, Ed.  Hands down, I'll choose you over Robert Pattinson any day.  Even if I'm not a big fan of the Twilight series, deep inside, I'm still wishing for my own Edward Cullen.  But I know no REAL GUY will be like him.  Maybe that's why I don't like Twilight too much.  It just gets me frustrated because I know that I'll never have my own Edward Cullen.  No guy is that romantic and perfect anyway.   

But still, you'll forever be my fantasy Edward Cullen. :)  I'll see you soon again in my dreams, sweetie. (shucks, that sounded ewww haha)  And I just love love love your natural British accent.

How I wish I never woke up.