ugh. i feel so crappy right now. i knew it. being too happy will only make you even more miserable after. oops, did i sound too pessimistic?

haaay.

yeah, the bloomfields gig was a blast. i had fun and all. nothing happened bad these past few days. and there's not much to be stressed over since it's summer.

then why do i feel so crappy?

i dunno. there's really something with me that wheneever i reach the highest point (or so i think) of happiness, i just feel wrong after. i find something wrong in something. i worry about something that isn't even worthy of my thoughts.

i know it's not right to feel this way, but i just can't help it.

like dad said, i worry about things that haven't come my way yet. haaay.

i assume that you remember that i hate being ignorant and unknowledgeable. i have a big ego. but i guess it's not even big enough for me to be ambitious and competitive? agh i hate it :/

i'm just not balanced.

i'm inconsistent.

i'm insecure.

i'm malabo.

i feel
one day i like the way i look in front of the mirror, and the next day i find myself complaining and fessing up about almost everything.

i tell myself that i am beautiful in my own way. then i find myself ranting about how i secretly envy super pretty models. that i wished to have a sexier body. with bigger boobs and booty.

how i rant about how i hate my skin because it breaks out at the wrong time. why couldn't i inherit my mom's great genes? she was so sexy when she was my age. she had pretty wavy hair and long eyelashes. guys practically chased her.

why couldn't i inherit my dad's brains? why couldn't i be valedictorian like him?? why didn't i choose management engineering in the ateneo like him? why didn't i pass the double quota course business administration in UP like he did?

all i got was their other side of their genes.

i got my mom's imbalanced hormones, which makes my skin break out a lot. i got dad's genes of being balbon. i also got dad's genes of semi-kinky hair.

i also got my mom's genes in math, which makes me all dizzy at the sight of too many numbers.

and why do i have unhealthy white hair?

i don't look like my age. i look like a grade-schooler. my ninang even asked me what grade i was in. nyargh.

i hate being ignorant.

i hate being "small". i hate feeling unpretty. i hate not looking mature enough.

i hate hate.

but then again, nobody's perfect.

"I am the sum of all unconventional features, and that's what makes me beautiful" -Kate Torralba

i am thankful to God :)

-april 2007-